Post-Partum Psychosis: My Story
For the first 6 months of Florence’s life I knew something wasn’t quite right. I woke up each morning feeling down and no energy for the day ahead. I loved my daughter but I often wondered if we really had this “magical” bond that everyone else seemed to have with their baby.
At 6 months we decided to move Florence into her own room. This is where things became worse. I was suddenly anxious about her wellbeing and checking on her through the night to see if she was still breathing. This quickly deteriorated into what I now know was post-partum psychosis. I had a bizarre ideas of something “evil” in our house that was going to harm our baby. I wanted to escape it so badly that I often wished our lives would end.
After a month or so I attended my GP who referred me to the mental health team for assessment. I knew I wasn’t well at this stage but wasn’t aware to the extent. That’s one of the problems with post-partum psychosis, you don’t realise how unwell you are and these strange delusions are very real to you at the time. The mental health team suggested to me that I was suffering with post-partum depression and psychosis and that I needed hospital admission to start treatment. I remember feeling like I’d hit rock bottom when they suggested admission and the idea of being on a mental health ward terrified me.
The worst part was being separated from Florence. Northern Ireland is the only nation in the UK that doesn’t have a Mother and Baby Unit (MBU) where mothers are admitted to hospital with their babies. The feeling that my child would not have me there to put her to bed or comfort her when she woke in the night was very difficult and caused many tears in the first weeks of admission.
Fortunately when I was admitted the anti-psychotic medication worked quickly. I began within a week or two to feel more like my old self, the delusions settled and I was no longer anxious about Florence’s wellbeing. In total I spent 5 weeks on the psychiatric ward and was discharged to the care of the Peri-Natal Team; the team that specialises in mental health conditions in the post-partum period.
Since admission, it has been a case of rebuilding our lives. The shock of post-partum psyschosis has taken its toll and there are still days where life is a struggle. The anti-psychotic medication has also taken its toll causing significant weight gain and sedation (common side effects of anti-psychotics). I’m working now on weaning off this medication to allow me to enjoy life more and get back to my job as a GP.
Overall I’m very thankful to our NHS for bringing me out of post-partum psychosis and for giving me hope. While I am still recovering, I now enjoy being a mum to a thriving one year old and my husband has his wife back. I’m also very thankful to charities that have supported me in my recovery including the Maternal Advocacy and Support Project (MAS Project) and Action on Post-Partum Psychosis (APP) whose peer-support groups keep me going on the difficult days.
